Light in the Darkness

I have had high expectations placed on me all my life. I was always expected to be the best, to be the smartest. In first grade, I successfully tested into the Gifted and Talented Education program. I was ecstatic and thought that this meant I was smart, one of the smartest people at my school. At the end of fifth grade, my family moved from Arizona to New Mexico. I began struggling at school, and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t the smartest person. I once again tried to test into the Gifted program, but this time I failed. I was no longer viewed as gifted. I was so upset with myself. Later that year, for the first time in my life, I received a ‘D’ in math. I had never gotten below a ‘B’ before that. I felt so worthless, like a complete and utter failure. Why couldn’t I do these simplistic things? I felt like my brain wouldn’t cooperate with me. In my mind, I always believe that my work is less than, that it’s never good enough. For essays, I would turn them in and think they were the worst pieces I’ve ever written, but I’d get an ‘A’. Even now, every single time I do anything, I never believe it’s good enough. Every little mistake feels like the end of the world. I constantly think I’m failing at life. I see all these people I graduated with doing amazing things, and I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. Friends of mine are having kids and going to college, and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I had plans, but they always fell through. My high expectations for life have caused me to fall down the ladder, and I don’t know how I’m going to get back up. I hope that eventually, I can be proud of the things I’ve done and that I will be somewhere where I believe I have done something worthwhile with my life.