Light in the Darkness

What might be surprising is when I was younger, I was extremely extroverted. I used to be the type of person who would always answer questions from teachers, who would introduce myself first to new students, and the person who would present projects first. I also used to be the type of person that wouldn’t care what others think. Nowadays I am extremely selfconscious, and I cannot stand to do things that I think will make me stand out.

What I think caused this shift in my personality was bullying. From elementary school all the way up to high school I was bullied. Elementary school was some of the worst times of my life due to the bullying that I suffered. One incident that comes to mind anytime I think of how I was bullied occurred in third grade. Now, I was bullied by various individuals during this time, but one stood out, M. It didn’t seem that M had a clear reason for why she bullied me, I just knew she hated me. Everyday she would point out things that she thought was horrible about me, things that at first, I wasn’t bothered by, but now I hate about myself. One day we were on the playground during recess, and I was playing on these metal parallel bars. Somewhere in the middle of recess M decides that it would be funny to grab my legs while I was hanging upside down and push me off the bars. I hit the ground and my mouth was filled with sand. I spent what felt like hours trying to get the sand out of my mouth. The taste of sand is still a vivid memory, I can still feel the individual pieces of sand in my mouth and the bitter taste it left. I also remember I got so much in my hair that it felt like I never completely removed it for months. Sometimes I still feel like it’s there. Following this incident, I felt completely and utterly worthless. I began to focus on her words, and I began to hate myself. This self-consciousness and self-hatred are deeply ingrained in who I am today. I cannot look at myself in the mirror without criticizing myself, and despite this I am not motivated to change anything. This bullying continued even after we moved from Arizona to New Mexico during my sixth-grade year. I thought things could be different, but they never were. In high school I tried my best to reinvent myself, but I was no longer that bright and bubbly kid and I never would be able to find that again. I never spoke about my experience being bullied, at least not in detail. I was always so afraid of coming forward and saying something. The bullying also led me to be more suicidal. There were days that I would think to myself that it would be easier to end it, that it would be all over and I could finally be at peace. The never-ending criticization of myself would finally cease. I am still trying to work on myself and at least ease the effects bullying had on me, but honestly, I don’t think there is much I can do to fix these parts that have been altered. As much as I wish I could dance at a party and not care what others think, look at myself in the mirror and not think that I look horrible, not be affected by everything that I say and think I am stupid, I will never not be selfconscious.

According to a study conducted by the National Center for Educational Statistics in 2015, one in four students reported being bullied. According to the CDC, students who experience bullying are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school. For more information regarding resources for getting help regarding bullying you can visit: https://www.stopbullying. gov/resources/gethelp- now