Dear Nancy:
Lately I’ve been feeling used by others and robbed of my time, and I’m tired of people walking all over me. I’m a single mom and I’m sick of having to fake niceties with the father of my daughter just so he’ll continue to provide support. My coworkers are starting to get on my last nerve because they take advantage of my willingness to help and ask me for favors they could easily do themselves, knowing I won’t turn them down. It’s exhausting being a people-pleaser, and I’m worried I’ll be a doormat for the rest of my life. How can I finally put my foot down and stand up for myself?
Sincerely, Tired of Pleasing
Dear Tired of Pleasing:
I can hear in your voice that you’re at the end of your rope. You want to help people but are feeling deflated at the same time. When you’ve been saying “yes” to people your whole life, it’s difficult to stand your ground. “No” may feel uncomfortable because it’s not familiar to you, so maybe try polite phrases like “Not right now” or “This isn’t a good time.” You might feel you owe it to your coworkers to help them otherwise they’ll be stuck in a bind, but your boundaries are also worthy of respect. The next time a colleague asks for assistance, you can quickly explain or show them what to do without actually spending the time on it by yourself, which gives them the opportunity to be resourceful on their own. This will free up time for you to leave work at a reasonable hour and get home to your daughter. Along these parenting lines, I sense there’s a lot of bottled up anger and resentment for being unable to tell off your daughter’s father because you need his support. Consider journaling or venting to a trusted friend to flush out these strong emotions. This will not only relase pent up frustration, but when you purge the negative feelings in your mind, you’ll likely see the root of the problem more clearly and find a productive solution. Maybe you’ll discover taking the father to court is what will give you a more structured partnership. Remind yourself that at the end of the day, you’ll feel stronger when you put your foot down. If you’re afraid you’ll be judged or let people down when you speak up, come prepared to defend yourself. Fully expressing your point of view will give you more confidence in standing your ground. When you establish your limits and only take on what you can handle, you’ll feel relieved and have more personal time for your daughter or to start new hobbies. Taking the first step toward being more strong willed is challenging, but be proud of the daughter you’ve raised and the career you’ve built, and you’ll feel a new sense of empowerment.
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