Dear Nancy,
My husband and I desperately wanted a baby, and we tried for many years. I felt we were running out of options, so we reached the decision to adopt. After mentoring a foster child, we learned that we were in line to adopt a baby; however, in the eleventh hour, the parents changed their minds. Our hearts were crushed. As our hope wore thin, we finally got the chance to adopt a two-year-old girl.
I loved being a mom. Making her school lunches, taking her to dance practice; I looked forward to guiding our daughter into adult life.
As she got older, she began to realize that she was different from us; she is Hispanic; we are Caucasian. By sixteen, she started on a quest to find her mother and her original family. Now, at eighteen, she is very drawn to her birth family. Although I knew this day would come, I hoped she would cherish our bond. Now, at eighteen, she told us that she wants to spend her time with her new-found relatives.
My husband struggles in his own way with his emotions, but I feel like a failure. I had dreams of seeing her through college, marriage, the birth of our grandchild. Now, we don’t know if she will ever spend a holiday with us again. I feel lost without her, wondering if she will ever come back.
Signed,
Feeling Abandoned
Dear Feeling Abandoned:
I can hear the pain you are feeling, memories of bonding with your child through daily life, watching her get on the school bus for the first time, all those treasured moments. After skinned knees and teenage crushes, you must feel she has replaced you with the birth family and the mother who gave her up.
Remember, you and your husband found her at two years old; you gave her a beautiful childhood in a safe, secure, and loving home. Where would that child be if not for you and your husband? You walked with her, from soothing her broken heart to cheering her on as she found her footing in life. You gave her confidence to strike out on what must have been a bold decision to seek and find her heritage. For sixteen years, you became the parent you wanted to be.
Ironically, your daughter cried because she felt abandoned; now you have shed your own tears, feeling abandoned by her.
Kids try their wings and fly. Your daughter became curious and ventured out to find her roots. Some kids try drugs or alcohol. At her age, she’s getting a sense of who she is.
Be ready for her to come back to the safe, welcoming home base you gave her and share what she has been discovering. You took the first steps of her journey with her; let her find herself. Be proud of the mom that you are and keep those future dreams with your grandkids in your heart; they will come true.