Dear Nancy:
Lately I’ve been sad and worried about how my brother’s dating life is affecting his young kids. He is divorced and frequently brings home different women, which I’m afraid sends the wrong message about monogamy and sensationalizes being non-committal. I’m feeling torn over how to respect my brother’s boundaries when it comes to his relationships, but as the aunt to his children, I want to show his kids what a loving, committed relationship looks like and the value of that companionship. What is the most effective way for me to convey my concerns about my brother’s choices? How can I teach my niece and nephew about healthy romantic relationships without trying to be their mom?
Sincerely, Wishing I Could Do More
Dear Wishing I Could Do More,
I completely understand that it’s hard to just sit back and watch your brother carelessly expose his children to his dating life. Confrontation between siblings can be tricky, but if you approach it in the right way, he’ll be able to see your perspective. Try not to come at him with accusations of what he’s doing wrong and what he should be doing instead. This will only make him shut down and not listen to what you’re saying. First, acknowledge his good qualities and how you admire his strength as a single father. Go into the conversation keeping in mind your brother’s point of view, emphasizing that you are family and will support him no matter what. Then you can gently remind him how his kids are watching and looking up to him as their only parent and role model. You can express how it may be confusing having his kids watch him bring home a different woman or call a variety of ladies every week, and he may want to question if that is setting the best example.
You can use a similar mindset when it comes to your niece and nephew. The best way to help young children understand what a loving relationship looks like is to compare it to characters in their favorite movie or book. If your niece and nephew have a beloved superhero they look up to, you can talk them through the story of how that character falls in love and ask if it made them happy to see a relationship like that. This will teach them to look for similar kinds of healthy partnerships in other stories and teach them to aspire to have a caring relationship that lasts. You can also explain how you love their dad unconditionally and he’s a great person, but if they ever need help or want to talk to someone, you will be there like a mom. The key is that you aren’t trying to be their mother, but you are making sure they know you are someone they can come to for anything. When you reach out from a place of love and respect, your brother and his kids will appreciate how much you care for them.
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