Dear Nancy,
Lately, I have been feeling betrayed and like my heart is constantly breaking. I am 42 years old and have been trying desperately to build a connection with my younger brother, but no matter what I do I feel like our relationship just gets worse. He hasn’t made the best decisions in life with how he treats his friends, and he is constantly moving from one fling to the next. I truly just want the best for him, but whenever I offer advice, he gets defensive, and it seems like I only push him away. It has gotten so bad that now he leaves me angry voicemails and is even gossiping about me to others. I wish there was some way we could be closer, but I really don’t know what to do anymore. Should I just give up on having a relationship with him or stick it out and hope things improve? Sincerely, Wishing We Could be Closer,
Dear Wishing, We Could be Closer,
I can hear in your voice that repairing a relationship with your brother is very meaningful for you. You see your brother struggling, and being the older sibling, it is normal for you to want to try and fix his problems. However, when people are not where they want to be in life, or when they fail to meet their goals, it can make them grumpy and defensive. Perhaps the reason your brother responds to your well-intentioned advice with anger and hostility is because he’s insecure about his place in the world; lashing out at others is his way of protecting himself. It is easier and less painful to deflect hurt onto others than to look at our own actions and decisions.
Next time, instead of offering advice directly, try giving some soft suggestions. Asking some small questions that build on one another is a great way to get your brother talking and allows him subtly to come up with ideas for positive change. Now, I can tell the possibility of completely closing your brother out is weighing heavy on your heart. Cutting someone from your life can feel like you’re losing a part of yourself, but who says it must be all or nothing? Sometimes in order to maintain our relationships we need to have boundaries in place. This can start with placing limits on how you communicate with one another. If you’ve noticed that talking face to face can be overbearing, perhaps shifting to only phone calls or texting would be better for you. Having safeguards can allow you to care for yourself while also sustaining that lifeline. Decreasing his access to your time and energy will allow him to realize the effects his actions have on others. Keeping your brother at arm’s length may not be the ideal relationship you envisioned, but there is always the opportunity for improvement. Perhaps seeing you pull away is just the wakeup call he needs to jumpstart his self-reflection and finally bring you two closer.