Light in the Darkness

I have always loved the Disney movie Inside Out because of its portrayal of emotions and mental health. Disney has now released Inside Out 2 to theaters which introduces four new emotions which include anxiety, embarrassment, envy and ennui (boredom). For this column I would like to focus on anxiety. I have had my share of feeling extremely anxious, and I’ve even had a few panic attacks. For me I view anxiety as water in a bathtub. When a drain is plugged in a bathtub the water is calm and clear, just like your mind is when you are free of anxiety. Once you pull the plug in a bathtub the water slowly begins to drain, you are in a situation where you begin to feel anxious. The water in the bathtub gets lower and lower until eventually it speeds up and begins circling the drain, faster and faster as it empties. This is what many people refer to as the spiral when it comes to anxiety and a panic attack. Your mind when a panic attack occurs begins to feel as though your thoughts are moving a hundred miles a second, but everything around you is moving in slow motion. You begin to feel like your heart is beating so quickly it might come out of your chest. You begin to breathe quicker and quicker but it feels as though you are being suffocated. The spiral begins to get out of control and you can’t think of anything else. With my experience with anxiety, I at first believed that I just had to wait it through, that it will end eventually. I also thought that I was being overdramatic, that I wasn’t actually experiencing anxiety and panic attacks and I was overreacting to the situation. Over time I began to realize how much of a problem my anxiety was becoming. My anxiety was causing me to be so pessimistic and hard on myself. Every presentation I did in school became a challenge, I could feel my hands sweating, my voice cracking, my body shaking. When I started therapy for the first time, I was sure that I would be diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. It turns out that I was actually diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Upon receiving this diagnosis, I began to think about all the times that I was anxious when it didn’t come to social situations. I would be anxious walking around, when I’m alone, and performing daily tasks. For me anxiety isn’t just a cut and dry disorder, I know what causes me to be anxious and I try to avoid those situations or at least prepare myself for them, but some cases I get anxious for no reason in particular, I could just be walking around with friends and suddenly become anxious. I’m so thankful for the time I spent with my therapist because they showed me the various ways to cope with my anxiety, the methods to observe your surroundings, to breathe, and for me the best way to cope was to actually count, count as high as I could and it would get my mind off of the anxiety just for a moment to break me out of the spiral. For right now, I haven’t had a panic attack in years, but I will always feel that nagging of anxiety in my mind, almost reminding me that it’s still there and can set me spiraling at any moment. I will try to enjoy this time where my mind is clear and I can breathe the fresh air.