Op-Ed

“To love and be loved” is something most people hope for. Love should be safe. It should feel kind and supportive. But far too often, the people we love the most are the ones who hurt us. At Roberta’s Place, we see this reality every day, and it’s one that deserves not just attention but action.

A recent article published in the Cibola Citizen, brought Roberta’s Place into the public eye and some asked important questions. Why do people harm? Why don’t people just leave? Is it only marginalized, those on drugs and drinking that cause harm?

We are happy these questions are being asked and people are thinking about why Domestic Violence happens and how it affects our community.

This gives us the opportunity to clarify common misconceptions, because understanding the truth is key to ending the cycle.

First, we want to be clear: abuse is not caused by drugs or mental health issues. This is not how we view the clients we serve in our Batters Intervention Group. While substance use and mental illness may be present in some cases of Domestic Violence, this does not excuse violent behavior. Abuse is a choice. It is rooted in power and control. People who use violence, often do so very intentionally. They isolate, manipulate, control and dominate because it gives them a sense of power.

We hear far too often that survivors are “asking for it”, or are too weak to leave. But the reality is, survivors are some of the strongest people in our community. They are smart, resourceful, and extremely resilient. They are your colleagues, the professionals that help you, the people surrounding you in community. What they’re facing is not a matter of intelligence or willpower. It’s a matter of safety, survival, and deeply layered fear.

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t simple. It involves financial insecurity, legal risks, parenting challenges, the risk of homeless, uprooting your children, and a very misguided public shame. Many worry about retaliation and have nowhere to turn. Far too many have been disbelieved and blamed when they reach out for help. Asking why survivors don’t leave is an unfair question for those that are going through abuse.

At Roberta’s Place, we meet survivors where they are. Not where we think they should be. We listen without judgement. We believe them, wholeheartedly. We help them make the decisions that are safest for them, not what makes other people feel more comfortable. We look at them not with sad eyes, but proud of the strength and courage it takes to leave an abusive relationship.

Too often, abuse is silent, it is invisible to everyone but the person living through it. This is why we need the community, as a whole to stand up against domestic violence. We need people to believe survivors and stop asking them why they have taken so long to leave, but be proud they did. On average, it takes a domestic violence victim seven times to permanently leave an abusive partner.

We also need to raise our children with a better understanding of what healthy relationships look like. Love is not control. Conflict does not have to lead to violence. Setting boundaries is not disrespectful. These are lessons that must be taught not just in classrooms, but in homes and everyday interactions. When we model respect, empathy, and healthy communication, we create a new foundation for the next generation.

At Roberta’s Place, we are proud of the work we do. But more importantly, we are proud of the people we serve. Survivors are not defined by what they’ve endured, they are defined by what they’ve overcome. They are not broken. They are healing. They are not hopeless. They are reclaiming their lives, step by step, choice by choice.

If you are someone who is experiencing abuse, we want you to know this: you are not alone. You are not to blame. And you deserve to feel safe. Whether you are ready to leave, thinking about your options, or simply need someone to talk to, we are here.

You can call our 24/7 crisis line at (505) 2877724. We will listen. We will believe you. And we will help.

To our community: thank you for continuing to stand with survivors. Your support, your compassion, and your willingness to speak up make a difference every day. Together, we can build a safer Cibola County, one where love doesn’t hurt, and no one has to suffer in silence.