Scratchin' Out A Little Living

I thought I had written my final column, but I guess I haven’t. I won’t even say farewell in this one because, ya never know, but I did write last time about forgiveness and aging parents. This time I want to tackle forgiveness and midlife. There have been countless studies done on the midlife crisis or slump. Most researchers seem to agree that a happiness U curve exists in the span of a human life, and that early life finds us at one level, and as one enters the forties, we drop to the bottom of the U. So from say age 40 - 59, people, generally speaking, hit their lowest point. From age 60 on up, life swings upwards again, and we regain a sense of self that we can be okay with, and we may find a level of contentment we haven’t felt in some time…if ever.

It’s the age 40-59 slump that is hard to weather. I should say that I don’t think every person experiences this plummet, but the data does show that regardless of race, sex, education, money, or geographic location, for most people, this dynamic of a middle age blue period is a shared experience even if we don’t talk about it. Midlife is often a time of reflection. We look back at our life because we’re no longer young, but we’re not quite old either. We’re midlifers. We may celebrate our personal achievements like building the career we dreamed of, building that cabin in the woods, or building a solid 401K.

But what if we have no career at 55? What if we are renting a studio apartment and unsure of how to come up with next month’s rent and utilities at age 48? What if we never had a job that offered a 401K? What if we’re estranged from our adult children? What if we never had kids? What if we struggled early in life and continue to struggle while society is looking at us and wondering what we did with all the years we had. Why did we not build a robust stock portfolio so that we can now cash in on it and start a microbrewery? What if our life was and is one long trauma, and death feels like a relief?

My email used to read: “Keep On Keepin’ On” after my signature. I often sign my letters to friends and then add those four words because I believe in them. If by middle age all your dreams have not come true, and for most of us, that is the case, I think we’ve just gotta keep on keepin’ on. And this is where the forgiveness part comes in. What if you could forgive yourself for not being a Broadway star, for not having 2.5 children, for not owning a beautiful home, for not finishing college or graduate school, for not getting life right - whatever right means to you?

I think midlife is the perfect time to start practicing deep, heartbreaking, soul wrenching forgiveness… on ourselves. Forgive yourself for making mistakes, for getting lost even when you had a map, for wearing the wrong clothes at the wrong time, for not learning how to swim, for not being perfect… and keep on keepin’ on. Nobody ever said life was about getting it right. Nobody said that. We’re human beings. Part of the human condition is screwing things up. It’s in our DNA to stumble, and then get up and then stumble again and get up and on and on and on again.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect and choose life. Life is imperfect. A carpenter I saw on Youtube who was into finishing projects as opposed to getting them right, said, “Don’t be afraid to half ass it.” I loved that because he gave himself permission to just get it done, instead of getting it done perfectly. I just turned 56, and I admit to being an obsessive journal keeper who is addicted to reflection. I read old journals and think about who I was in that year, that month, that moment. Why did I do or think the things I did, and the most important thing I always remind myself to do, and I hope you will hold onto this if you’re experiencing midlife blues (or at any age where you find yourself in a slump), is to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on your life and to forgive yourself for not getting it right. You made it so far on such a primitive road, so keep on keepin’ on.